Chances are that you and I have something in common this week – we aren’t going to Fanfest. While the big EVE hoopla in Iceland is a major event for members of the EVE Community, only a very slim portion of the playerbase ever actually goes. Usually I’d be bummed about the fact that I’m not going (again) this year, but then I started thinking about it and I realized that there are plenty of reasons to be happy you aren’t going! Here they are:
ICE
Fanfest is happening this week in Iceland. Have you seen how cold it is in Iceland? Now, granted, if you’re from Boston maybe a trip to Iceland is analogous to a trip to the Virgin Islands but for people like me in California it sounds a lot more like a trip to hell. Right now the forecast has it snowing Tuesday and Wednesday before transitioning to a slightly balmier 40 degrees (Fahrenheit) and rainy. It’ll be 70 degrees here in California. I’ll take my weather (and I think some CCP devs would prefer it as well).
FIRE
Iceland is famously known as the land of ice and fire. Now, if you’re some kind of fantasist who thinks Westeros sounds really great, maybe this is appealing to you – but think about it. You can burn to death right after nearly freezing to death. Burn? I hear you ask – yes, burn! Iceland is one of the most volcanically active places in the world, with over 30 active volcanoes in a space the size of Kentucky. Protip: being bundled up in snow gear doesn’t really enable you to outrun a lava flow. A volcano goes off there on average at least once every 8 years, and while it has only been 5 since 2010’s blow up that grounded flights across Europe, chances are you’re probably still gonna die there.
DEBAUCHERY
All anyone does at Fanfest is drink. When you land and are shepherded onto a bus to take you to Reykjavik proper, CCP devs break open cases of crappy Icelandic beer and everyone starts getting drunk. From then on your only options are to suffer hangovers every morning until you leave that godforsaken rock in the Atlantic ocean or just stay drunk. Maybe that doesn’t sound bad to you, but add in the fact that you are either hungover or perma-drunk amid a thousand other EVE players who are also hungover or perma-drunk and dear god the humanity-
ROTTEN FOOD
You know what goes great with a hangover? Hakarl, or as you might have heard it described: Rotten Shark. Why is it called that? Because it is literally a rotten shark. They kill the shark, bury it for 6 weeks, then hang it out in the open air for 6 months before chowing down on what can only be called at that point ‘death’. Shark not your thing? That’s okay! Iceland has plenty of really disgusting things to eat, from pickled ram testicles to boiled sheep’s head. Sounds like a great time to me! Way better than a steak and potatoes.
THE SIGHTS
There are plenty of really cool things to see – elsewhere in the world. Iceland’s cool sights include a penis museum, piles of ice, mountains that shoot out fire and try to kill you, as well as hot springs that routinely boil people alive. Seriously, there’s about a hundred ways to die in Iceland. Granted, you’d have to be stupid (or drunk) to get yourself killed there, but you’ll be drunk within the hour so the bar isn’t that high.
FAKE SPACESHIPS
All anyone will want to do at Fanfest is talk about fake spaceships! I mean, there’s plenty of really cool stuff going on in space right now, but no, let’s forget about mortal dreams and think about stuff that will never happen! Be prepared to listen at length to the best ratting setup for your Ishtar, why wormholes are actually really cool and totally not places where crazy people live in the game, and how the only thing better than playing with fake spaceships is talking about fake spaceships ad nauseum. Why spend all that money flying to a rock to talk about fake spaceships when you can literally just sink your entire life’s earnings into Star Citizen?
CELEBRITIES
Growing up in the shadow of the Hollywood sign taught me a lot about fame, celebrity, and narcissism. I can assure you there is only one thing more tiresome than talking about spaceships – and that’s talking with ‘famous’ people. And let’s be clear – we aren’t talking about famous adventurers, social leaders, or even a real live athlete. We’re talking about fake-spaceship-knockoff versions of those things at Fanfest. Maybe meeting the EVE version of Kim Kardashian is really cool, but judging from the tripe on E! TV or whatever cable network picked up the latest Kardashian travesty I can’t think it would be!
CONCLUSION
Yes I’m just incredibly jealous of everyone going – and yes, this was all a joke. This telegraphed message brought to you by the Council for the Preservation of Sarcasm in Online Environments.
