The CIA is on to me

Last Thursday I was playing EVE, continuing my new goal of getting good at it again. I undocked (along with Little Bro) and cruised north from Ishomilken to Aurohunen. Unfortunately, we play pretty late in the US timezone and there isn’t terribly much activity around that time of day in New Eden, so the pipe was empty of real targets. Undaunted, I proposed we head back to Ishomilken then go south, towards Tama or Old Man Star.

In Nikkishina, though, just one jump out from home, Little Bro spotted two Asteros. Usually, I would’ve discounted the Asteros – they can warp cloak and are intended for exploration, meaning that a) we were unlikely to catch them anywhere we could fight (as we were in a Taranis and Atron respectively) and b) they probably aren’t looking for a fight. But two? Two Asteros traveling together set off my lowsec senses.

I reapproached the Hasama gate in Nikkishina and waited. And waited. And waited – for what seemed like way longer than your native jump cloak would allow. Finally, though, the Asteros lost their jump cloak – but they did not immediately warp off. I locked them up and then was entirely surprised as they aggressed me. Little Bro immediately wanted to point them, but I asked if he had been aggressed – and he had not been. Fighting on a gate in this manner meant that he would effectively be helpless, but I invited him to orbit the gate close and watch.

Overheating everything, I took the fight to the nearest Astero. My rust showed a bit as I never even launched my complement of drones on the Taranis, but I don’t think there was going to be any winning this fight. Overloaded, I got one Astero to about half armor, then my ship ventilated violently into space. I warped my pod out and began shouting warnings to Little Bro, who wisely did not fire at the Asteros as they began to light him up, and instead jumped back into Hasama.

He immediately had the feeling that they were chasing him, so I gave him simple instructions – warp to a planet, align to your next destination, and if they show up to nab you, warp out. Rinse and repeat while I get another ship together and see if we can’t get a little vengeance. He did an admirable job as I refit a suicide Catalyst I had laying around from some expeditions into highsec with Alikchi awhile back, but as I undocked and made my way to Hasama, he got caught.

Apparently, he warped to planets at zero. At one of them, he ran into the combined misfortunes of an Astero waiting for him, and landing inside a Customs Office, causing him to bounce off uncontrollably at the same time that the Astero locked him up and pointed him. By the time I got into Hasama, he was in low structure and dropping fast. I warped to his location and managed to get there just as he was warping his pod out.

Landing in a Catalyst in the middle of two Asteros, I didn’t really know what to expect. Asteros are still new to me and I had no idea what they were capable of in combat. I locked up the nearest Astero and, again overheating everything, went to town. And boy, did that very expensive frigate get torn apart. With two of them battering me, I dropped to approximately half armor, while the Astero I was attacking promptly exploded. Bloodlust fully up, I locked on to the next Astero and proceeded to chew him up rapidly as well.

Until, that is, I burned out all my guns. Again my rust showing. I then calmly orbited the Astero as its drones plinked away at my armor and offered an explanation for my lack of damage dealing in local. The Astero pilot’s response? “Shitty :/” – not that my situation stopped him from destroying my Catalyst.

Overall it was a pretty great one-two punch reminder of the fact that I really am quite rusty. However, the real highlight of this whole sequence of events is not even the fights, but the wonderful Evemail I got from the surviving Astero pilot shortly after I returned to Ishomilken:

Notice of Illegal Actions

Defendant: Marc Scaurus

Prosecution: Covert Intelligence Agency

It was brought to our attention at 02:16 and 02:24 that you were observed in illegal activities in Hasama. AgentsStellious Shipwreck and HyperTitn were dispatched to put a stop action on these illegal activities. Description of the charges are below.

-Solliciting on a Stargate
-Illegal aggression and destruction of agent’s ship
-Firing on a -CIA agent
-Suspected crimes against multiple New Eden governments

Covert Intelligence Agency (-CIA) has herby deemed to be a threat to Intergalactic Relations on the grounds of terrorism and spying into Caldari Military Faction Outposts. Field Agents Stellious Shipwreck and Hypertitn were forced to take action before information was recieved by his terrorist counterparts. We believe, that putting this pilot out of commision was an absolute neccessity in stoping terrorism plots against New Eden and intergalactic relations.

We were also forced to destroy a second ship fielded by you as the -CIA cannot stand for retalliation in this manner.

As there is no court system in these low security area’s the -CIA has been given the the ability to dispatch punishment on site. The destruction of your ships will be logged with the -CIA and distributed to the governments of New Eden. The modules that were left at the sight of the crimes were confiscated as evidence and will not be returned.

Kill: Marc Scaurus (Catalyst)
Kill: Marc Scaurus (Taranis)

If you have any concerns or disputes with the events that transpired you may contact our HR department.

Director of Covert Operations

I absolutely adore stuff like this and had a mighty fine laugh with Little Bro about it (he also received one a little later). I also offered some editorial feedback on the form, as there are a few errors, but damn – now I have to come up with my own schtick! So glad to see stuff like this still in use.

Next time, I won’t forget to launch drones and keep tabs on my overheating – I promise!